Do you have a name or can I just call you mine?

 

I open my locker and a note flutters down to my feet. I pick it up and read it, secretly smiling to myself, remembering when Phil used to put those notes in my locker. My smile immediately turns to a frown, remembering.

I pull out my phone and quickly text him,

i know I should move on

i know that youre gone

but i just cant forget about you

mother says to stop

my sister does too

but youre the one thing i loved, even if you didn’t love me that way too

I go on with my classes for the rest of the day, completely forgetting about the note. I walk home silently to start on my homework.

You wanna know what's beautiful? Read the first word again.

 

Another note, another memory, another heartbreaking day. I rush through my classes, trying to get Phil out of my head, but I fail, yet again. So I pull out my phone at the end of the day and text him, like I have been doing, but I know I shouldn’t.

im dying here

without you

not literally

but i may as well be

im lonely

they say that’s normal

but you were never normal, you were always you

I fall asleep without sending the last text, I’ve always been tempted to send it, but I know he’ll never get it, so what’s the point. I know he doesn’t read these texts, but I can’t help but hope.

 

If I had to rate you from 1 to 10, I’d rate you as a 9 because I’m the 1 you’re missing.

 

Again with the note. I almost don’t read it, but it’s the closest thing I have to Phil, since then. I open it and smile, I can almost hear his voice if I listen close enough. His subtle northernness, his bright blue eyes, his black hair, and bright coloured shirts. I miss him.

its been so long since i heard you talk

or sing

or snore

or anything

i miss you

so much

but i know i cant

have

you

back

I look up and hear the bell ring, I rush off to my first class, but don’t see someone standing in the shadows watching me read the note, watching my face turn from happy to sad, yet again.

 

If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.

 

I wanted to know who’s sending all of these notes, it looks just like Phil’s handwriting, but I know that that’s not possible. I think of him in every class, and by the end of the day I can’t stop my hands from shaking as I type

have you moved on yet

probably

i was never worth your time

i wish

just for one day

you would come back

to me

i hate you

no i dont

i hate what youre doing to me

i love you

I walk slowly today, hands in my pockets, feet scraping the ground. I’ve given up on trying not to text Phil, I just can’t manage, even if he never responds.

 

Are you a thief, because you just stole my heart?

 

I look at this one, and I remember distinctly that Phil told it to me, to try to get me to ask someone out, little did he know, the one I wanted to ask out, was standing right in front of me. I can’t do this anymore. Pretending everything’s ok, I sink to the ground back against the lockers, and try to think happy thoughts. But, the only happy thoughts I have are of me and Phil, Phil and me. A hand touches my shoulder, asks if I’m ok, scoops me up, carries me out. We sit under a tree, I pull out my phone.

i met someone today

i think you would like him

his brown hair is like yours

a fringe

he saved me

from myself

from this monster thats swallowing me whole

i miss you so much

please come back

We talk, about life, about feelings, about friends, about Phil. He tells me he’s been leaving the notes. I tell him about Phil’s notes, I tell him Phil left me, I tell him it wasn’t Phil’s fault. I tell him it was the alcohol. I tell him Phil never drank. He doesn’t understand. I tell him it was Mikey’s fault. I tell him about that night. I tell him everything. Everything. Everything that I’ve been holding in. He tells me it’s ok. He tells me he’s there for me. I’m finally happy.

 

If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.

 

He hands me the note this time. I like him. I hope Phil does too. I have an idea. I want him to meet Phil. I ask him to go with me to Phil after school. He says yes. I smile. He smiles. We are happy. We could have been happier. Happier with Phil.

i miss you

im coming to you

i hope you know

ill never forget you

you were my first love

im sorry youre not my last

times change though

and youve probably moved on too

i miss you

our talks

notes

texts

calls

everything

We walk. We ride the bus. We stop. We talk. We prepare. I take him in. Open the gates. I’ve been here many times before. I take the flowers out of my bag. I step. One foot in front of the other. I breathe. I count. Try to calm myself. We stop. I breathe in. Out. In. Out. We’re here. I want Phil to like him. I want Phil to be forgiving and kind and beautiful, just like he was. But you can’t always get what you want.

“I hope you like him” I think, as I lay the flowers next to the cold stone above Phil’s head. I take out a piece of paper, the thing I was going to give him, right before. A bit ironic, actually,

 

Did you die recently? Because you look like an angel to me.