Mama Loves You

 

As a little girl my mom and dad had a vision for me. I would be the Texas High School all star, I would graduate highest in my class and go on to an ivy league college. They wanted my future to be as bright as it possibly could be. They had already mastered my childhood. I was enrolled in every YMCA sport and was allowed to try any sport I wanted and I grew up in a good home.I was living my parents dream life and honestly I couldn’t complain. But little did I know my perfect world was coming to an end. On my 14th birthday my dad was killed in a car accident, he had been out getting pink sprinkles and vanilla ice cream for my birthday party. Police say it wasn’t his fault. The accident was caused by a drunk driver. I knew my father's accident wasn’t his fault, it was mine, I had made a big fuss about not having the sprinkles and ice cream so my father went out to get them. My father was the glue to our family and now that he was gone me and my mother were lost and it was all my fault.

Shortly after my father’s funeral, my mother’s sadness and depression overtook her. She developed a drinking habit and refused to get help. As a 14 year old, it was to much to take on. I decided to move to my friends house. My mother didn’t like my decision and we began to have small arguments and small arguments turned into big arguments. Months without talking turned into years without talking. So much had happened in my life and I needed my mother to know. Today would be the first time I would talk to my mother in 3 years, 5 months, and 3 days. But I wasn’t going alone, in the backseat, asleep lying in his carseat was my son, he was going to meet his grandma for the first time.

After I left home I went and lived with my friend, we didn't make the best of choices and at sixteen I decided I didn't want my life to go down the tube, I had read about young teens and drug use destroying their lives and I made the choice for that not to be me. I moved out of my friends house and  I moved in with my aunt, who mind you was still in depression from my father’s death. It had been a little over two years and it was still hitting her really hard. When I got there I had to get myself together for her sake. Moving there meant I had to move to Houston. My mom didn't know.

I had been there for about two months when I met Jeff, he was a bartender and very cute. Sense I was only  sixteen years old and not at the drinking age, Jeff would hook me and my new Houston friends up with some alcohol we would have small basement parties at my friends house, I would never suggest going to my place, I knew what I was doing was illegal and wrong but this was my own way of dealing with my father’s death. But it only took me one night of too much drinking to smarten up,once again, the only difference being, this time it wasn’t just my life.

I remember thinking, my life is over. I can’t do this. I had taken a pregnancy test and was surprised to see it was positive. How was I going to tell Jeff and how was I going to be a mother? Jeff didn’t take the news very well at first, but I couldn’t blame him I had just met him and I was pregnant with his baby. There was a lot of yelling and crying mostly from me. But even though Jeff and I had just met he was there for me. I told my aunt and her reaction was mostly crying, she felt bad for me because she couldn’t help me raise the baby, she didn’t have the financial support or the energy, I understood and told her I would be moving in with Jeff. I knew I was taking a risk with moving in with a guy I hardly knew but I felt it was the best decision and it turned out it was.

As the months went on Jeff and I became closer and acted more as a couple, painting my bellie, taking selfies and going on romantic dates together and most importantly making decisions about our child's life. The big one was finding out the gender, I wanted to know but he didn’t want to. But guess who won? On June 5th we found out we were having a baby boy.

As my due date grew closer I thought long and hard about if I wanted to go see my mother while I was pregnant, or with the baby or even if I should go at all. My mom didn’t treat me well after my father died and it would be an emotional reunion. I decided to wait and enjoy the last few weeks of my pregnancy.

On July 1st, Jeff and I welcomed our happy bubbly baby boy into the world. It was the happiest day of my life, for the first time since my father died now three years ago. I felt overjoyed and so happy! It didn’t take very long for Jeff and I to decide on a name, Lucas Scott Marcus, he had every inch of my father in him, and with everything that happened in the last 3 years I knew my father would be proud of me. Now all I  had to do was see my mother.

It was a two hour drive from Houston where I now lived to Dallas where my mother lived. I looked in the baby mirror that was attached to my dashboard. Lucas was happily asleep sucking on his binki. In the background played “twinkle, twinkle, little star”. It was hard to believe that just 6 months ago I was listening to hard rock and living such a different life and now my life was lullabies on repeat.

A little whimper came from the back seat, I looked up into the baby mirror and Lucas’s eyes met mine, his cubby cheeks were rosy and his dark brown eyes twinkled in the sunlight shining in from the window. “Hi, Lukey!” I said with a big exaggerated smile. He laughed and continued on biting his toes.

A few minutes later I pulled into a driveway, there in front of me sat a big baby blue cookie cutter house, it had white shutters and big stain-glass windows. The house looked in good shape and the lawn had just been mowed. A tire swing swung from a big oak tree that sat in the middle of the front yard. My home hadn’t changed. I unbuckled my seatbelt, and got out of the car. I opened my passenger seat and was greeted by a big baby squeal and smile from Lucas. I reached in to unbuckle him and pulled him out of his carseat. I grabbed his diaper bag and blanket and held him tight. As I slammed the door shut I whispered in his ear “Here we go, baby, let's go say hi to mama.”

The walk to my front door seemed so familiar. As I approached the big red door, I readjusted Lucas on my hip. I took a deep breath and knocked on the front door. I was recalling every single pep talk I had given myself and what Jeff had said to me earlier that morning, “Addy don't be so worried this is your mother what could happen” Little did he know me and my mother didn't leave on a good note and the fact I had my 6 month son on my hip, I don't think would help me out much, but I needed to do this. I waited a few seconds and then the door opened.

Next to the door stood a average height women with short dirty brown hair. Similar to mine. She was wearing dark blue sweatpants and a Dallas cowboy sweatshirt. Immediately the smile on her face turned blank and pale. “Addy?” she asked.

“Hi mom.” I said

“Oh my god” she said. She came out from holding the door and gave me a hug. I had dreamed of this moment for three years and now that it was happening I didn’t know what to do. Releasing me from the hug she asked

“Who is this little man?” she was eyeing Lucas

“This is Lucas mom. My son.” I said brushing Lucas’s brown hair out of his eyes.

“Your son.” she said, in a surprised voice. “and his name is Lucas”

“Yeah.” I said bouncing him up and down.

Lucas held his hand out for my mom to grab. She did and you could see the tears forming in the corner of her eyes.

“Uh, would you like to come in?” asked my mom wiping her eyes.

“Yeah, thanks.” I said. As I entered my house, the smell and look felt familiar but yet I felt like a complete stranger entering my house.

“Here we can go into the kitchen.” my mom said leading me down the narrow hallway.

“Thanks” I said taking a seat.

“So.” my mom said “I have to ask, how did this little guy get here?” she said looking at Lucas.  

“Umm..well after I left home, I went to Caitlins house…” I explained the whole story to her and watched her reactions change with every word I said. After I was done she asked“Was Lucas planned?”

“Well I don’t like to say he was a mistake but no he wasn’t planned.” I said bouncing Lucas on my knee.  I looked over at my mom and she had a look of disappointment on her face. “What?” I asked.

“I just never pictured seeing you with your child.” she said

“ I thought you would have liked to see him.” I said looking at Lucas

“ Yes Addy and I’m not angry but you have to understand my surprise.” she said

“ No offense mom but you didn’t give me much of a chance, after dads accident.” I said still bouncing Lucas on my knee

“You're the one who left and I certainly don’t remember telling you to go out and get pregnant.” she said rolling her eyes and getting up.

“Me? Mom you’re the one who developed the drinking problem and refused to get help. I had no other choice but to leave and yes later on I developed bad habits but I stopped once I realized they were destroying my life. I also didn’t purposely go out and get pregnant mom it was a mistake, I told you that” I said raising my voice.

“How dare you come into my home and say such things to me. You left me two months after your father, my husband died. I do admit I had a problem but what did you expect me to be all happy and cheery or to act like his death didn’t bother me.” she asked me with a raised voice.

ontrol in not getting pregnant and maybe in the end it was a good thing you left in the end because I can tell you right now young lady if you would have stayed I would have not allowed you to go on with your pregnancy.”

I had, had it!! It was one thing for her to comment on my irresponsible drinking but when it came to me and my decision of keeping my son, she had no right of judging that. I took a deep breath looked at Lucas and found my strength.

“Do you not think I thought of that option, I told you Lucas was not planned and me and Jeff  were terrified when we went to that first doctor’s appointment. But Jeff and I stayed up talking nights on end about the situation and we both handled it mature and calmly in the end. I don’t for a moment regret my decision of keeping Lucas.” I expressed. In that moment I felt accomplished and no matter what my mother had to say next would affect me. I had my son and his father and that’s all that mattered to me.

“You are my daughter and I will always know that but I don’t know if I can understand or rap my head around you having a child.” my mother said. She wouldn’t make eye contact with me.

“I appreciate you being honest with me mom. But if you can’t except that Lucas is my son then I don’t want to have any part with you and let’s face it you can’t love me, you haven’t loved me since dad died that night, you blame me for his death and you always will.” I said. “ I have had a baby, lost my father all without you. I am sure I will be able to raise my son without you.” I got up from the chair and headed out of the kitchen.

“Addy….” my mother said

I looked back at her and said “ I truly thought this would be a different meeting but I guess not.”

“Addy...wait” my mother called out for me.

I turned around and said one last thing to her “You know the main thing I probably will never regret is leaving this home.” I said taking one last look around.

 

I walked out of my front door the same as I had 3 years, 5 months and 3 days ago. The only difference was I wasn’t going back.

 

I held Lucas’s head close to mine and whispered “Mama loves you….”