Lana had been lost in her mind since day one, although she didn’t put it out there right at first. Schizophrenia hung in her health. It was what later on in life caused all her emotional distress and made it completely out of the question for her to fit in with the rest of society. It singled her out from everyone else. Of course there are many other people in the world like her, but she didn’t show any signs or symptoms of this dreadful disease of the mind until she had finished law school, at age of 26. Lana lived in Texas and all her life, academics were her forté. She had A’s in almost every subject. She only got lower grades in science because it didn’t interest her too much. Besides that, she was the president of her debate team in the eighth grade. In high school, with all the pressure of homework and the extra curricular activities she participated in, she had multiple anxiety attacks. She showed symptoms by blanching1, clumsiness, mild chest tremors2, and for some odd reason she always felt like she was going to lose her mind. Her mother took her to the doctor. He examined her and asked her questions. He said, “From what I know about anxiety and other similar disorders is that sometimes the symptoms are physical. Though if I were you, I would have her examined by a psychiatrist.” Lana’s mother agreed. She made an appointment with a psychiatrist recommended by the doctor. Lana was trying hard to seem calm around her mother, but inside, she feared the worst. The thought lingered in her mind; she thought that maybe the psychiatrist would tell her she was going mad. It had never occurred to her before and she couldn’t imagine anything worse. The next day at school, she went by her normal routine. She even aced a history test. Her mom picked her up at the end of the school day and drove her straight to the psychiatrist’s office. When they arrived, Lana looked all around and realized it seemed a lot less scary than she imagined it would be. Her mom filled out papers that were given to her by a friendly man that worked there. Nervous while waiting she bit at her hair. It was one of her nervous habits. She also bit her nails often, fiddled with her fingers, and casually counted her teeth with her tongue. Her mother nudged her, signaling to stop. After ten minutes, they were called into the doctor’s examining room. She took a seat on a really cold looking reclining kind of chair. It looked like it belonged to a hospital and this place is definitely close, she thought. It wasn’t too comfortable for her to sit in either. Soon the doctor came in. She described to him her symptoms and he said it was perfectly normal for someone with anxiety. So it was true: she did have anxiety disorders. It was implied. As soon as the doctor finished speaking to her about everything she would need to do to keep it under control, he told her she could ask questions about it. The only thing she asked: “I know I have anxiety and all, but please tell me this doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind. I fear that more than anything.” “Of course not!” he replied with a sort of encouraging air. “Then I’ll have no problems following directions.” And with that, Lana and her mother were headed home and the doctor was left pondering that there was something about that girl, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on what. For the rest of high school and throughout college, she suffered from a minor anxiety disorder, but she kept it under control with special medication that her psychiatrist prescribed for her. The strange thing was that, ever since she was diagnosed with anxiety, she thought for sure that one day she would lose her mind. But that was just one of the symptoms from her anxiety, After 8 years of attending college to become a lawyer, she graduated successfully and moved to New York and got a job at a law firm. She was a brilliant lawyer and won many cases through the years that she lived in New York. She had gotten out of college at the age of 26 and she was now 37. Her anxiety was getting a little out of hand and her chest tremors were back and stronger than she had ever remembered. She had barely stopped taking her medications and that caused the symptoms to spike up. Lana took note of this, but instead of going back to the doctor or psychiatrist, she decided take matters into her own hands and continue taking her medication religiously. Soon enough, the chest tremors were going away and she felt relieved that she wouldn’t have to visit a new psychiatrist. Especially since her mother was coming up to New York to visit her and see how she was doing in about a week. During that week, it was like her nightmare stuck her like lightning and started to come true. She heard a voice, and there was no one home at that moment, and she was studying a case and setting a date for an upcoming trial. She just heard it speaking to her and she began to shout. Her anxiety caused her to faint. The next morning, when she woke up, she had a backache, a headache, plus some chest tremors. But she didn’t remember the voices or anything that had happened the night before. She couldn’t remember the anxiety attack that caused her to faint and she was confused as to why she woke strewn across the living room floor with the bottle that her medication was in placed near her hand. The voices in her head told her to fling it away and lose control of herself. Without question, she obeyed their every command. It was as if she could not fend for herself any longer. She really couldn’t. That one little anxiety disorder turned out to be the starting point or her schizophrenia and it wasn’t going to be all daisies from that point, forward. The rest of that week, before her mother came to see her, was a complete and utter disaster. Everyday, the voices gave her new ideas: more things to destroy, plans to harm the people around her. And their final plan: to destroy herself. The whole destruction consisted of shattering glass, leaving water running, tearing the fabric on the furniture and all her clothing, cutting wires, and even more. The house was ravaged by Wednesday. For the rest of the week, while she should have been preparing for her mother’s arrival, she brainstormed along with the voices to create morbid plans from destroying anyone who could be “a harm” to Lana. And to the voices, that was everyone but them. They totally convinced her that whole world lies and everyone was just out to get her. Now she wasn’t paranoid about losing her mind, she was paranoid about losing the voices and having to face everyone who they said was “evil”. By Sunday night, (the night before Lana’s mother was supposed to come into town) her brain was starting to physically deteriorate and the line between the voices and reality went from thin, to none. The house was a mess, and so was she. But she hadn’t forgotten that her mom would be there by the next day. The voices might have told her to harm her mother. Finally, the sun showed its face to the Monday that Lana’s mother would be coming into the city. She would see her daughter at her worst and only try to help her. She drove up to the charming townhouse that her daughter had been living in for so long, and a house that even her mother had grown accustomed to. But when she entered the house, she saw nothing familiar. It was a wreck in there and she looked for Lana all around the house. She found her hiding in her closet, staring up at the ceiling with a crazed and demented look on her face. Her mother let out a yelp at the sight. She new her daughter wasn’t okay; she never thought she was entirely okay. She helped Lana get up but she was shaking and muttering odd things under her breath. They almost sounded like threats, or swear words… or both. Her mother tried to get into her car and rush her to a mental institution where they could control her and calm her down from her current state. But Lana kicked and screamed when her mother got too close. At last, her mother thought to roughly attempt to get her into the car. She only accidentally pushed her too near to a window, on the third floor. In all the rage and commotion, Lana was left strewn across the ground floor, a pool of blood growing under her, and you could see shards of glass encrusted into her face. Her mother was left sobbing with her only sight being the lifeless remains of her formerly beloved daughter. 1 Looking pale, loss of color in the face or skin. 2 Trembling in the chest, chest feels like it’s vibrating. --------------- ------------------------------------------------------------ --------------- ------------------------------------------------------------ Reckless Mindset, 6-8, p.1 Reckless Mindset, 6-8, p.2 Reckless Mindset, 6-8, p.3 Reckless Mindset, 6-8, p.4 Reckless Mindset, 6-8, p.5