My Life’s Secrets

Staring out the open window into the distance, mesmerized by the different colors in the sky; from light pink to yellow and orange which together create such a sun set so relaxing it made me feel at peace, even with everything that’s going on around me in my life. As spring breeze blew across my face leaving behind the lingering aroma of a sweet perfume in the air known as, Romantic Wish. I turned to my grandmother and noticed tears were flowing down one by one from her eyes, as I went over to her bed side and held her gently in my arms and whispered, “I’m sorry that this ever happened to you.” As those same words echoed back to me…
					***
Standing in entrance of the living room in my velvet dress, clutching my little brown teddy bear close to my chest, watching as my mother pleaded about how she just wants him to let her go and about how she just doesn’t seem to find that kind of love for him anymore. I stared at my father as he held disbelief on his face and tears streaming down from him hazel eyes, but with not a single word to say. I began trying to process, to make sense of everything that was happening. My grandmother quickly scooped me up in her arms before I witnessed anymore of the argument. I wrapped my arms around her, inhaling the sweet smell of Romantic Wish from her blouse. She brought me into my room turning on the light switch and gently placing me down on the bed. She suddenly started staring into my hazel brown eyes as
if I was sweetest little angel in the world. I stared right back into her dark brown eyes. I smiled and said, “ I love you grandma.” she pushed back a piece of my black, long wavy hair behind my ear, as she smiled with teeth so white and stain free, a smile like that would never sees to leave my memory. “I love you too my sweet grand baby Jezebel.” She then disappeared from my room like a thief in the night. I placed my teddy bear on my pillow, sliding off my bed and over to the door as I heard my grandmother enter into the living room and say, “What do you think you are doing having such a private discussion in front of your five year old daughter like that?”

I heard the sound of feet shuffling around a different room, and dressers, opening and slamming shut. My father then began to yell an say, “Why are you doing this Selena to us! To our daughter! Don’t you think she deserves a mother in her life as well, not only a father?!” She replied, “I will be in her life I’ll pick her up on the weekends an holidays and every day that I get off. I just can’t be held in the same house hold as you and continue with the same arguments everyday! I tried to make this work, I tried everything to keep our marriage strong, but enough is enough! And I won’t fight for something that has already faded away!” My mother entered into my room with a suit case in one hand, she set it down along my bed side, and tried to place on a smile as if everything seemed to be okay, but tears began to swell
in her eyes. Reaching into her pocket she pulled out a locket made of
gold, along the side is a rose and on the back read, “You are my precious gift from above I love you, Mommy.” Placing it around my little neck and opened the locket inside held a picture of my mom. She kissed my cheek and hugged me tight in her arms as if to never let go. Getting up from the bed she wiped away the tears that ran down her face, and said to me, “I’m sorry that this ever happened to you.” picking up her suit case and walking out my bed room door and closing it shut.
					***
The sound of the hospital machine monitor beeping had brought me
back to what I know as reality. I grasped the locket in my hand and remember how after that day she only came to visit every other couple
of weeks and as those weeks became months and those months became
years until she just stopped showing completely. My grandmother looked
at me with confusion and asked me in a frightened voice, “What do you
want with me? Get away! Help! Help me somebody!” I quickly back away
from her in complete shock, as a doctor and two nurses come charging into the room, one of the nurses escort me out the room and into the hall while the other nurse held my grandma down and the doctor injected her with medicine to help her relax. The doctor came out the room a few minutes later sitting me down across her room and said to me in a disappointing voice, “I apologize for having to tell you this, but not only has the rabies bite on her wrist infected her blood stream, it also has slowly begun infecting her mind which would be the cause of the hallucinations‘, it’s to far in the process to even begin treatment on her. I suggest you take advantage of the time you have left with her and make it your best, because this may be your last day with her.” Tears fall from my eyes as I run over to the window outside of her room, screaming and pleading out, “Why, Why her? She’s the only family I truly have left in my life!” I leaned my back
up against the wall sliding down to the floor hugging my knees close
to me.
					***
I entered into a room that used to be filled with so much light and embracing memories, memories that made me feel safe and loved by
the people that surrounded me. This room that filled up my mind with
open, welcoming fantasies as a child, before the day that my mother up
and left me. I glanced around the gloomy room that only now holds the
recent memories of quiet evenings and shallow, dull Holiday get together parties. I viewed around the room and notice my father sitting in a dark red reclining chair that my mother had bought him for a Christmas gift when I was 4 years old. Which now smelled of over bearing old sweat that reminded me of rotting milk. He just mindlessly stared at a TV which continuously played my first Easter video that he had recorded of my mother helping me do, even though all I did was make sounds, and spill the colored dye across the counters, looking amazed by the different colors that were smeared on my hands and fingers. I walked over to him laying a hand on his shoulder asking, dad can you lend me a 100 dollars for the University of Virginia College campus field trip that I am supposed to attend on Tuesday? I need the money in by Monday morning. He turned staring at me with an emotionless expression on his face and responds, “I don’t have any
money.” As he motioned his hand from left to right trying to tell me to leave his sight, turning his head toward the television attempting to tune me out of his mind which now only held replays of the past and no remorse for anything or anyone anymore. I tried to explain to him that going to this college campus is a big deal for me, because I may be accepted into the college. Still staring blankly at the T.V. without even turning to face me he denounced in a raspy voice, slurring his words, “I-I want you to know that I hate to see the image of your mother in you, but I-I-I don’t want; n-no I won’t you let you leave me the same way she did.” As tears ran down my face from that trembling statement that he just told me. I remove my hand swiftly from his shoulder and exclaimed, “Dad you’ve been drinking again
haven’t you! You told me you would get help, I know it’s hard for you to move on from mom, because I know how much she’s meant to you, but it hurts me just as much. I don’t want to see you waste yourself away like this. I remember being dad’s little girl and having hope in everything, because you had filled up my every thought of you telling me that I can be somebody and make a difference in someone’s life if I just really tried hard enough, but now all I have are crushed dreams and dead lies.” I stormed out of the house in hurt, rushing over my grandmother’s house. She hugged me tight in her arms when she opened the front door. I explained to her everything that happened; as she went to the sofa in the living room and fetched her big, black, leather purse and pulled out two 100 dollar bills and commanded that I take it. I quickly look in the face of a woman that had been there for
me, who had helped out through all the difficult times throughout my
life. Staring at the 200 dollars that are held out in front of her to hand to me, I tell her no I couldn’t take this grandma and plus it’s more than what I need. Grabbing my left hand placing the money into it, she told me in a soft, but stern voice don’t you dare worry about having to pay me back, because I know this is going towards a good thing in you life so, when you get out of college an get a good career from majoring in the medical field to become a Doctor make sure to come take care of your sweet little old grandma and that will be enough for me. Don’t give the other 100 to your father cause you know he will spend it on booze, use half of the money towards food for the house an what ever is left over use on yourself. I clutch the money
tight in my fist as joy filled my heart, thank you grandma for this I appreciate all that you’ve done for me in my life you have cared for me, protected me and helped get my life back on track when I had no hope left, I love you.
					***
I felt my grandmother’s hand move from her side as is slowly moved
toward mine, I grabbed her fragile, weak hand an held it in mine as I
looked at her in the eyes which held little energy to go on,
confusion, but yet somewhere in her eyes I saw love and compassion. As
she looked at me she said, it hurts so much, my wrist hurts please
make the pain stop, she exclaimed repeatedly over and over again. I
brush back her silky gray and white hair with my hand laying down
beside her letting her rest her tired head on my shoulder, I tried my
very best to comfort her in every way that I could, reassuring her
that it will all be okay.
					***
My body slammed into the wall roughly leaving behind another
scaring memory and to make sure that it never leaves my mind a dent is
yet again left on the wall.
I collapsed to the floor closing my eyes trying to erase the pain in
my wrist and the screams of a man that finds every mistake in
everything that I do. I tell my self time an time again that he loved
me and that he only does this to me cause he cared. He depended on me
to take care of him like how he took care of me all those last few
years that I lived with my father and when I didn’t want to turn to my
grandmother for help, because I didn’t want to be a burden to her. I
ran to him, because he was the only person left in my life besides my
grandma that made me feel wanted and someone that was important, after
my mother left and my father turned into an alcoholic asshole. He used
to treat me so well I remember he bought me clothes, jewelry and took
me out to dinner, as time went on he only then brought me blue bells
every time my face bleed and my arms bruised. And he would threaten me
to stay with him or else everyone that I would hold dear to me would
see me no longer. That night as I laid near by the fire with a empty
bottle beside me, my body felt numb, and the sound of my grandmother
out side my window echoed in my ear. I didn’t even budge to go run
into her arms like how I always do when there was something wrong. I
locked my heart away showing none around me any love. She came to my
door and let her self in with the spare key hidden behind the plant,
she ran to the phone calling 911. Heading over to me and seeing the
bruises on my arms as I didn’t even flinch away in pain, but I did
feel ashamed; ashamed that I let things get this far. Ashamed that the
one person that I thought would love me and protect me was now beating
on me and I couldn’t help, but stay. I felt depressed and alone. And I
didn’t want to be a concern. She looked me in my bruised bloody face
and sat along beside me brushing back my hair with her hand and
allowed me to rest my tired, swollen head on her shoulder an confined
in me that this is something that had to end for this had been going
on for way too long and it will be okay. I heard the sound of the
ambulance arriving at my door, they pumped me out clean and I was
alive an on my way to getting well. My grandmother stayed along by me
all that time an even brought me to therapy so I could tell my life’s
secret story.
					***
Feeling my grandmother beginning to shiver ,she exclaimed, I’m
cold Jezebel. I can hear God calling out to me. I want you to know
Jezebel that even after everything that had happened to you in your
life you still maintain a smile upon you beautiful face. I’m so proud
of everything that you have accomplished you are going back to college
for your third year this following spring. I love you my sweet grand
baby. N-never give up on l-life and always keep me in your memory. If
you ever get sad think-k of me-e and know that I’m-m happy of you. I
want the best for you. Her breathing begins to shorten and her heart
began to no long have a steady heart beat. The monitor showed that her
life was slipping right way between our fingers. I closed my eyes
trying to fight back tears from my eyes as I hugged her tight for the
last time and whispered I Love you and gave her the last kiss good bye
on the forehead. I promised myself that I would finish college become
the doctor that I was meant to be. An I wasn’t going to let anything
bad stand in my way of my dreams, because my grandmother was there for
me and had inspired to carry on and pursue my dreams.

My Life’s Secrets, 11-12, p.8